I've been having a tough couple of days, here is a copy of my latest post on my care pages account...
"Cancer Sucks!
Posted Nov 14, 2012 12:24pm
Yesterday was a really tough day for me, but since it looks like I haven't posted in a while, let me get you caught up. About 3 weeks ago, on October 22nd (my boys 1st official day of Fall Break) I had a seizure while cooking dinner. I was cutting tomatoes and stuff for tacos, with all of my boys standing on chairs around me trying to help, luckily I had not yet turned on the stove for the fake taco "meat." From what I've been told as I don't remember any of it. I slowly went down to the ground, grabbing the chair as I fell. I guess my face looked funny because Zach has asked me several times why I was closing one eye and scrunching up my face. And I must have been breathing funny because Ben has asked me several times about that as well as asking why I was grabbing the chair. Faith saw me having it and was the one to call 911 (I'm so proud of her), she yelled for Sean and he saw me laying on the floor with my head on one of the chairs.
I didn't come to until I was in the ambulance. They told me I had a seizure while on the way to the hospital. I got my usual room in the ER! They did a cat scan to make sure I didn't have a concussion, which luckily I didn't, but my head was really bruised and hurt bad.
It turns out that I forgot to take my medicine for 2 days, so thank God it was nothing major. But it did give us all a good scare and I don't think I will ever forget my meds, nor will any of my children ever let me as they ask many times during the day if I remembered to take it!!
Yesterday was so hard, because sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I worry about my children having to see things like that and their fears. I also feel guilty every time they ask if I remembered my meds, because that is not something a 3, 6, and 8 year old should have to be concerned about. Yesterday Faith was asking me about my plans if I died, whether or not I want to be buried (for the record, I don't!), which is not something a normal 17 year old senior in high school should have to ever worry about or even have the need to ask their mother. Last night in our support group a daughter, who is 38, of a brain cancer patient said she gets mad easily at her mom because she is so mad her mom has cancer. And if she feels this at 38, I can't imagine what Faith feels.
And it sucks that at 37 I have to figure out my plans for when I do end up dying, not that I plan to soon. But it will come to that point at some time and I have to figure it out while I'm still functioning.
Another weight on me is that my 1 year since my diagnosis is coming up on the 20th of this month. I wonder if since the doctors gave me 3 to 8 years to live, if this means I now have 2 to 7 years.
It's such a weird thing to feel that I almost have to cheer people up when they ask how I'm doing. I just don't want others to worry about me or feel sad, so I always feel the need to put on a happy face.
On the bright side (see I always feel the need to cheer you up, now that I gave such a tearful update, but maybe this will make me stop crying) I did get runner up in the Yahoo Women who Shine contest. Which will get me a $250 Visa gift card! But even better than getting that prize is knowing that out of 160 something women in the survivor category, I got 1st place in the whole United States!! It was amazing and so uplifting reading all of the comments, knowing people I have never met and who don't know me are praying for me.
Sorry for such a dismal update. I'm hoping the next one will be better. I have my next doctor's appoint with my brain cancer team on December 17th. On December 10th I will be getting a mammogram and ultrasound as my doctor found several lumps in my breasts yesterday (but honestly that is no fear for me and in my mind doesn't even compare to the brain cancer stuff going on)."
I didn't come to until I was in the ambulance. They told me I had a seizure while on the way to the hospital. I got my usual room in the ER! They did a cat scan to make sure I didn't have a concussion, which luckily I didn't, but my head was really bruised and hurt bad.
It turns out that I forgot to take my medicine for 2 days, so thank God it was nothing major. But it did give us all a good scare and I don't think I will ever forget my meds, nor will any of my children ever let me as they ask many times during the day if I remembered to take it!!
Yesterday was so hard, because sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I worry about my children having to see things like that and their fears. I also feel guilty every time they ask if I remembered my meds, because that is not something a 3, 6, and 8 year old should have to be concerned about. Yesterday Faith was asking me about my plans if I died, whether or not I want to be buried (for the record, I don't!), which is not something a normal 17 year old senior in high school should have to ever worry about or even have the need to ask their mother. Last night in our support group a daughter, who is 38, of a brain cancer patient said she gets mad easily at her mom because she is so mad her mom has cancer. And if she feels this at 38, I can't imagine what Faith feels.
And it sucks that at 37 I have to figure out my plans for when I do end up dying, not that I plan to soon. But it will come to that point at some time and I have to figure it out while I'm still functioning.
Another weight on me is that my 1 year since my diagnosis is coming up on the 20th of this month. I wonder if since the doctors gave me 3 to 8 years to live, if this means I now have 2 to 7 years.
It's such a weird thing to feel that I almost have to cheer people up when they ask how I'm doing. I just don't want others to worry about me or feel sad, so I always feel the need to put on a happy face.
On the bright side (see I always feel the need to cheer you up, now that I gave such a tearful update, but maybe this will make me stop crying) I did get runner up in the Yahoo Women who Shine contest. Which will get me a $250 Visa gift card! But even better than getting that prize is knowing that out of 160 something women in the survivor category, I got 1st place in the whole United States!! It was amazing and so uplifting reading all of the comments, knowing people I have never met and who don't know me are praying for me.
Sorry for such a dismal update. I'm hoping the next one will be better. I have my next doctor's appoint with my brain cancer team on December 17th. On December 10th I will be getting a mammogram and ultrasound as my doctor found several lumps in my breasts yesterday (but honestly that is no fear for me and in my mind doesn't even compare to the brain cancer stuff going on)."
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